This whole two year separation from my fiance has been getting harder lately. I know that probably sounds a little weird, since it's already been more than two years since he left the country, but, I don't know, maybe it's something in the closeness to his return that's starting to make me feel the distance more lately. I'm nearing the end of my ability to deal with this and stay sane, I think. Good thing it's almost over.
It's funny because a lot of people seem to think that it doesn't bother me anymore. Or never bothered me. It makes me laugh a little inside when I talk to people and they say, "Oh I could never do that. It'd be too hard for me." Do they think that it's easy for me? Does the fact that I continue to have a life, and smile, and even am happy once in awhile mean that it's not hard?
Of course it's hard. All two years of it have been hard. It's a constant, never-ending hard. But the way people say "I could never do that" make it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I didn't. Not really. Yes, I could have asked Wes not to go. Yes, I could have chosen not to continue my relationship. But neither of those things were really ever options at all. Wes needed to go, and I can't imagine myself happier with anyone else. And that's that. And it's all been worth it. All...700 and something days of it. Worth it.
I guess what I was thinking about in this post, was that my constant countdown? It's more than just a random fun thing to do; it's more than even excitement over Wes's return. It's a lifeline, sort of. Of course I can live on my own; of course I can function and of course I can do this whole life-thing without him. But I'm tired. It's exhausting. I'm lonely. And it'd be nice, to be able to do normal, girlfriend-boyfriendy things. Like...go on dates. Or cuddle. Or even talk to each other on a daily basis on phones, without having to worry about things like phone cards, bad connections, or meeting on skype on the internet and crossing our fingers that the connection will be good and there won't be a five second lag between everything we say, and it won't kick us off every ten minutes. Or not worrying that when I am able to call, that I'll end up with a lady on the other end saying "Caribu tena badai. [Roughly, 'welcome again later'] The subscriber you have dialed is unavailable at present. Please try again later" over and over again. (At least, enough times so that I've memorized the speech, and can even repeat it with the same accent and inflection).
It really is almost over. I'm sorry a lot of this entry probably sounds like complaining. I'm just trying to articulate...that I feel it a lot more than I talk about, or show. That countdown is so much more than just a number to me.
37.
October 11, 2007
October 9, 2007
High school and trust games
Today was my first day of observation! I'm observing in a tiny high school in central Illinois. The classes are way small - I think the biggest class I am observing for was a class of 12 students. The small class size is kind of cool, though - we had time for every student to stand up in every class and tell us a little bit about themselves. It seems like it's going to be a fun semester. I'm really excited that I'm finally placed in a high school - the last two placements I've been in have been middle school. I was starting to worry that I would finally get my observing placement and realize that I didn't want to do high school after all, entirely too late. Luckily, though, I don't think that's going to be the case.
I am starting to worry about one thing, entirely unrelated to my observation placement... I am not afraid to speak up if I think I need to talk to someone; I am not afraid to be "mean" if I have to be...but I like to trust people; I like to trust that they will do the right thing; I like to respect people and assume respect back. In other words, I worry that my trust in people will get me into trouble. I've already had moments of trusting people too much in the past. On the other hand, I do think that, 90% of the time, if you trust people and respect them, they will respect you back - and I want my students, in the future, to feel trusted and respected. I want them to follow my classroom rules because they respect me, not because I check to make sure they're following them every five minutes or make them really strict. But I also know, that if I take that too far, then I will not end up respected; I will end up being the teacher who everyone thinks they can slip one by on. So how do I find that line? How can I show my students respect, and trust, without trusting them so much that they think they can get away with stuff? I don't want to become the jaded teacher. I don't want to be the teacher that thinks every student is trying to get away with something, that every glance is cheating, that every homework excuse is a lie. But I also don't want to be the teacher, or person, who gets walked on.
I'd like to think that, if I just treat people with respect, they will respect me, and my classroom, back. When I respect people, I tend to work very hard for them. But I know not everyone' s like me, and I know that's not always the case...or, even if it is, people don't always think through what they're doing as disrespectful or a breach of trust, so even if I earn people's respect they may still try things. So where's the line between trusting people, and trusting them too much?
I am starting to worry about one thing, entirely unrelated to my observation placement... I am not afraid to speak up if I think I need to talk to someone; I am not afraid to be "mean" if I have to be...but I like to trust people; I like to trust that they will do the right thing; I like to respect people and assume respect back. In other words, I worry that my trust in people will get me into trouble. I've already had moments of trusting people too much in the past. On the other hand, I do think that, 90% of the time, if you trust people and respect them, they will respect you back - and I want my students, in the future, to feel trusted and respected. I want them to follow my classroom rules because they respect me, not because I check to make sure they're following them every five minutes or make them really strict. But I also know, that if I take that too far, then I will not end up respected; I will end up being the teacher who everyone thinks they can slip one by on. So how do I find that line? How can I show my students respect, and trust, without trusting them so much that they think they can get away with stuff? I don't want to become the jaded teacher. I don't want to be the teacher that thinks every student is trying to get away with something, that every glance is cheating, that every homework excuse is a lie. But I also don't want to be the teacher, or person, who gets walked on.
I'd like to think that, if I just treat people with respect, they will respect me, and my classroom, back. When I respect people, I tend to work very hard for them. But I know not everyone' s like me, and I know that's not always the case...or, even if it is, people don't always think through what they're doing as disrespectful or a breach of trust, so even if I earn people's respect they may still try things. So where's the line between trusting people, and trusting them too much?
October 5, 2007
English classes are ruining movies for me.
The title of this post says it all. I used to be able to enjoy movies. Especially Disney movies. But now, after my women's literature class explores issues of women's voicelessness and lack of agency in the 18th and 19th century, I find myself seeing it in movies that I really wish I didn't see it in. Like The Little Mermaid. She has to lose her voice in order to meet the guy and get him to fall in love with her - so, essentially, he falls for the demure, quiet woman who doesn't speak up (or, if you want to look at it from a more superficial standpoint, he just falls in love with her because she's pretty). Or even Phantom of the Opera. Come on, I love that musical! But when watching the scene where Christine and Raoul run to the roof of the opera house, and Christine voices her worries about the phantom, instead of being thrilled by the scene and the following song (All I Ask of You, which is a great song, by the way), I found myself getting annoyed at the fact that Raoul wouldn't let her talk or listen to her worries, assuming that she was making it all up. What the heck? I love these movies! I want to watch and enjoy, not watch and think about how the characters are being sexist.
I suppose, though, that's what my classes are trying to teach me, in a way... to not take what I see in the world at face value, and delve deeper. But I guess what I'm wondering is, how important is it to see these issues in everything? Is it only necessary to see these issues when they crop up in novels or news articles? Or is it harmful to take seemingly non-gendered or stereotypical movies at face value?
I would suppose, that if I can realize that these issues are there, but discard them for the enjoyment of the movie, I might be able to find a happy medium. Does realizing that movies like The Little Mermaid have sexist elements in them mean that I can't enjoy those movies? Does it mean I should reject them? I think maybe it means that I can still enjoy them but I shouldn't accept the implications it gives without question - but how much am I accepting those values implicitly? I don't feel as if my values have been skewed because I watched and accepted those movies in the past; I didn't grow up thinking that women had to be quiet or that their fears weren't pertinent...
How often is a critical view of the world necessary, and how often does it interfere with your enjoyment of the world without really getting you anywhere? Or is there such a thing?
Sorry, this entry is mostly questions, but I'm sorting these issues out in my mind.
I suppose, though, that's what my classes are trying to teach me, in a way... to not take what I see in the world at face value, and delve deeper. But I guess what I'm wondering is, how important is it to see these issues in everything? Is it only necessary to see these issues when they crop up in novels or news articles? Or is it harmful to take seemingly non-gendered or stereotypical movies at face value?
I would suppose, that if I can realize that these issues are there, but discard them for the enjoyment of the movie, I might be able to find a happy medium. Does realizing that movies like The Little Mermaid have sexist elements in them mean that I can't enjoy those movies? Does it mean I should reject them? I think maybe it means that I can still enjoy them but I shouldn't accept the implications it gives without question - but how much am I accepting those values implicitly? I don't feel as if my values have been skewed because I watched and accepted those movies in the past; I didn't grow up thinking that women had to be quiet or that their fears weren't pertinent...
How often is a critical view of the world necessary, and how often does it interfere with your enjoyment of the world without really getting you anywhere? Or is there such a thing?
Sorry, this entry is mostly questions, but I'm sorting these issues out in my mind.
September 28, 2007
Moving blogs
I decided to switch my blog over to here - I like the layout a lot better, and xanga has been annoying me. I moved some of my entries, since I was afraid of losing them...I don't want to lose my thoughts about study abroad, or Tanzania.
Anyway...my inspiration to write lately has been declining. Maybe it's because of how much information I'm trying to absorb; I think maybe it's hard to absorb and produce at the same time? Not sure. Regardless, I will try to write more, but I don't really want to write if I have nothing to say, either.
In switching over some of my entries, I was reading them over...it's hard to believe that study abroad was a year and a half ago. Even harder to believe how many things have happened in my life in the past two years, and that I'm graduating at the end of this year...time is so strange.
50 days until Wes returns.
Anyway...my inspiration to write lately has been declining. Maybe it's because of how much information I'm trying to absorb; I think maybe it's hard to absorb and produce at the same time? Not sure. Regardless, I will try to write more, but I don't really want to write if I have nothing to say, either.
In switching over some of my entries, I was reading them over...it's hard to believe that study abroad was a year and a half ago. Even harder to believe how many things have happened in my life in the past two years, and that I'm graduating at the end of this year...time is so strange.
50 days until Wes returns.
September 26, 2007
The Laramie Project
I know that the issue this post is on happened awhile ago, but I'm reading this now, and I have to write about it or it's going to eat at me.
I'm reading The Laramie Project for one of my classes right now. For those who don't know, The Laramie Project is a play written by the Tectonic Theater Project about the beating and murder of Matthew Shepherd. The members of the theater project went to the town that he was murdered in and interviewed the inhabitants there.
Some of the stuff in this book fills me with such a feeling of depression. The fact that people do things like that to other human beings in general depresses me, but I know it happens. What depresses me even more, though, is some of the reactions to the crime. There's a quote in the play that says:
"There's more gay people around than what you think. It doesn't bother anybody because most of 'em that are gay or lesbian they know damn well who to talk to. If you step out of line you're asking for it. Some people are saying he made a pass at them. You don't pick up regular people. I'm not excusing their actions, but it made me feel better because it was partially Matthew Shepard's fault and partially the guys who did it...you know, maybe it's fifty-fifty" (58).
Excuse me? It's partially this boy's fault that he was brutally murdered if he came on to someone? I don't see how hitting on someone sets you up for murder, or any kind of violence. It reminds me of arguments about rape being the woman's fault if she wore a low-cut blouse, or drank. How exactly is the victim of a crime as much to blame as the perpetrator? It just...it baffles me. It gives me an ugly feeling inside. I don't care WHAT you believe - Choosing one lifestyle over another does not make you 50% responsible if you get killed. It doesn't even make you 1% responsible. I'm pretty sure "he had it coming" is the worst response EVER to a murder or a crime.
Another quote that sickened me was a response to a question about hate crime legislation. "I would like to urge the people of Wyoming against overreacting in a way that gives one group 'special rights over others'" (48). Hate crime legislation qualifies as giving one group "special privileges"???? The right not to be beaten or attacked because of your sexual orientation/race/etc is a -privilege-?
I know that this book has been out for awhile, and I know that this stuff has probably been discussed before, but to actually read certain people's thoughts in print...I don't understand people.
I'm reading The Laramie Project for one of my classes right now. For those who don't know, The Laramie Project is a play written by the Tectonic Theater Project about the beating and murder of Matthew Shepherd. The members of the theater project went to the town that he was murdered in and interviewed the inhabitants there.
Some of the stuff in this book fills me with such a feeling of depression. The fact that people do things like that to other human beings in general depresses me, but I know it happens. What depresses me even more, though, is some of the reactions to the crime. There's a quote in the play that says:
"There's more gay people around than what you think. It doesn't bother anybody because most of 'em that are gay or lesbian they know damn well who to talk to. If you step out of line you're asking for it. Some people are saying he made a pass at them. You don't pick up regular people. I'm not excusing their actions, but it made me feel better because it was partially Matthew Shepard's fault and partially the guys who did it...you know, maybe it's fifty-fifty" (58).
Excuse me? It's partially this boy's fault that he was brutally murdered if he came on to someone? I don't see how hitting on someone sets you up for murder, or any kind of violence. It reminds me of arguments about rape being the woman's fault if she wore a low-cut blouse, or drank. How exactly is the victim of a crime as much to blame as the perpetrator? It just...it baffles me. It gives me an ugly feeling inside. I don't care WHAT you believe - Choosing one lifestyle over another does not make you 50% responsible if you get killed. It doesn't even make you 1% responsible. I'm pretty sure "he had it coming" is the worst response EVER to a murder or a crime.
Another quote that sickened me was a response to a question about hate crime legislation. "I would like to urge the people of Wyoming against overreacting in a way that gives one group 'special rights over others'" (48). Hate crime legislation qualifies as giving one group "special privileges"???? The right not to be beaten or attacked because of your sexual orientation/race/etc is a -privilege-?
I know that this book has been out for awhile, and I know that this stuff has probably been discussed before, but to actually read certain people's thoughts in print...I don't understand people.
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